University of Florida Gator jokes

Why can't Steve Spurrier go on the internet?
He can't put 3 w's together.

How do you keep a Gator out of your front yard?
Put a goal post up!

How many Gators does it take to change a flat tire?
Just one...unless it's a blowout, then they all show up!

What do you get when you cross a Gator with a groundhog?
Six more weeks of bad football.

If you have a car containing a Gator wide receiver, a Gator linebacker, and a Gator defensive back, who is driving the car?
The cop.

What's the difference between a Gator and a bucket of manure?
The bucket.

What's the best thing to come out of Gainesville?
I-75

Why did the Gator grad get fired from the M&M factory?
He was throwing away too many W's.

How many Gators does it take to tackle Chris Weinke?
Good question, no one knows.

What did the UF graduate say to the FSU graduate?
"You want fries with that?"

Why is UF changing their mascot to the possum?
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

How do you sell out a UF home game?
Invite the Florida State Seminoles!

What should you do if you find three Gators buried up to their necks in cement?
Get more cement!

Good uses for a UF diploma:
1. Toilet paper
2. Proof of need for handicapped parking sticker
3. Crying towel
4. Proof of need for welfare

How many Gators does it take to tackle Charlie Ward?
I don't know, but it's more than eleven!

A guy is in a bar with his dog, watching the Florida State vs. Uf game.  The gators surprisingly manage to get a field goal and the dog barks repeatedly.  The bartender looks at the dog in awe.  After a while the gators score a touchdown and the dog does flips and dances across the bar.  Then, the bartender looks at the guy and says, "Man, that's amazing. What does your dog do when UF beats the Noles?" The guy replied, "I dunno, I've only had him 3 years."

What do you call an UF grad wearing a suit and tie?
The defendant!

What does the average UF student get on their SAT's?
Drool.

Why did Forrest Gump choose 'Bama over UF?
He wanted an academic challenge!

A FSU grad, a Miami grad, and a Florida grad are waiting to be executed by firing squad. The FSU grad is first, and as he is waiting to be executed, he yells, "Earthquake!" The firing squad panics and runs away, allowing the FSU grad to jump over the wall and escape. The Miami grad is next, and
as he is waiting to be executed, he yells, "Flood!" The firing squad again panics and runs away, so the Miami grad also jumps over the wall and escapes. The Florida grad is last. As he is waiting to be executed, he remembers what the FSU and Miami grads had done, so he yells, "Fire!"

What do a FSU student and a UF student have in common?
They were both accepted to UF.

There was an UF grad who bought a horse from a minister. The minister said, "Say 'Praise the Lord' to make him go, and 'Amen' to make him stop." The UF grad took the horse and left. They were galloping at quite a fast pace when they suddenly approached a cliff. The Gator forgot what to do, and kept on yelling, "Stop! Stop!" until he finally remembered. He then yelled "Amen," and the horse stopped. Seeing that they were saved and only a few inches away from the cliff, the Gator was rejoiced and yelled, "Praise the Lord!"

What do tornadoes and UF grads have in common?
They both always end up in trailer parks!

A man walks into a store and says, "I would like a orange hat, blue pants, green sweater, and white shoes." The clerk says, "Are you a Gator fan?" "Yes," replies the man, "How did you guess--by the color combination?" "No," answers the clerk, "because this is a hardware store."

There was a couple who were getting divorced, so the judge said to the child, "Who do you want to live with? Do you want to live with your Dad?" "No," said the child, "he beats me." "Do you want to live with your Mom?" "No, she beats me too." "Well who do you want to live with?" "I want to live with a Gator Fan." Confused, the judge asked, "Why?" The child replied, "Because they never beat anybody that's good!"

One day in a bus station, one man approached another and said, "I bet your from the University of Florida." "Why yes I am" answered the other. "How could you tell, was it my good looks, my debonair charm, my taste in clothing?" "No," replied the first, "I saw your class ring as you were picking your nose."

There's a guy from UF driving from Gainesville to Tallahassee, and a guy from FSU driving from
Tallahassee to Gainesville.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road, they hit each other head on and both cars
go flying off in different directions.
The Gator manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and
says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!!!"
Likewise, the Nole scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I
can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The Gator walks over to the Nole and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals."
The Nole thinks for a momment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm going to see what else survived this wreck."
So the Nole pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the
Gator, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding
and friendship."
The Gator says, "You're right!", and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels.
After putting away nearly half the bottle the Gator hands it back to the Nole and says, "Your turn!"
The Nole twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show
up."

Did you hear about the big power outage at the UF student union?
Forty Gators were stuck on the escalator for 3 hours.

Why couldn't UF have a nativity scene this past Christmas?
They couldn't find three wise men.

What is the difference between a Gator fan's car and a Porcupine?
The Porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Three students went to the Olympics in Atlanta. One was a Nole, one was a cane and one was a
gator. They had almost no money to start with so by the time they got to Atlanta they had no money
for tickets to the events. The Seminole put a pair of sneakers around his neck, went up to the
basketball venue and said "Johnson, Florida State University, basketball." The security guard let him
in. The cane got the message. He put a pair of track shoes around his neck, went up to the track
venue and said "Smith, University of Miami, track." The security guard let him in. The gator thought
he had it. He saw a roll of barb wire by the side of the road, picked it up and threw it over his
shoulder. He went up to the nearest venue and said "Miller, University of Florida, fencing."

Top 10 Classes at UF.
1) Philosophy: Why Don't They Spell It with an "F" ?
2) Pre-Law Seminar: Age of Consent in 50 States
3) Sandwich Making: A Project Course
4) Hand-Shadow Workshop
5) Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Friend
6) Cliff's Notes vs. Monarch Notes: 2 Views of the Classics
7) Hooked on Phonics
8) The College Classroom: A Simulation
9) ABC's: An Extended Version
10) Literature: Coloring inside the lines

They've hired a new waitress at the coffee shop on north Monroe. She's a robot. A man walked in
and she greeted him at the door. Dinner for one? Yes he replied. She said, tell me sir, what is your
IQ? 150 he said. So they talked for a few minutes about global current events. She said excuse me
for a minute as another man came in. Dinner for one? Yes the man replied. Tell me she said, what is
your IQ? The man said 120. So they sat for a few minutes talking about the possibility of a comet
striking the earth and other natural disasters. Another man came in the restaurant and she greeting
him at the door. Dinner for one she asks? Yes, replied the man. If you don't mind sir, would you tell
me your IQ? 50 the man said. To which the robot replied, GO Gators!

If you have one gun with two bullets, and Steve Spurrier, Hussein, and Castro in a room, what do
you do?
Shoot Spurrier twice to make sure the jerk is dead.

What is the difference between Steve Spurrier and a litter of puppies?
Eventually, the puppies will grow up and stop whining.

A woman wants a sophisticated sports car, saved and saved and scrimped and after 5 years she finally had enough money and credit to purchase this special car. So, she buys the car with all the fancy gear and takes it out for a ride, but with all the buttons she can't find the radio controls. She pushes every button on the console but....no luck.
So she goes back to the dealership and complains about there being no radio, and the salesman
says: on a car like this, the radio has to be very very special....in fact, it is voice activated. Girl asks:
how do you get it to work? Salesman says: Radio on: And from a hidden speaker the radio comes
on and says what station? Sales guy says: Rock music: Right there the radio plays Rolling Stones
record from WKGR; Guy says: County music: Right there the radio plays Garth Brooks on
WIRK;Guy says: Alternative: Radio plays Nirvana from WBZ.
The girl is ecstatic. Takes the car out. Says: Oldies: On comes WBCH
and Bachman Tuner Overdrive.
Just then, a car cuts in front of the girl, causes her to screech to a halt. She says: Idiot! From the
radio: Welcome to the Steve Spurrier Show.

What are the toughest 6 years in a Gator's life?
3rd grade.

What do you call a Gator with half a brain?
"Gifted"

What job do they assign Gators at the M&M factory?
Proofreading.

How many UF freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, it is a sophomore course.

Steve Spurrier's greatest inventions:
1. Solar powered flashlight
2. Water-proof towel
3. A book on "How-To-Read"
4. Inflatable dart board

Why don't Gators use 911 in an emergency?
They can't find 11 on the dial.

Did you hear about the Gators found frozen in a car at the drive-in movie in January?
They went to see "Closed for Winter".

What do you call 12 Gators in a basement?
A "Whine" Cellar

Four alumni were climbing a mountain one day.  Each was from a different Florida school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans.  As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all.
They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Miami grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for Miami! Go Canes!" as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be outdone, the UCF grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for Cental Florida! Let's Go Knights!"
Seeing this, the Florida State grad walked over and shouted, "This is for everyone!" and pushed the Gator off the side of the mountain.

Why do UF grads hang their diplomas in the rear windows of their cars?
So they can park in "handicapped" spaces.

How do you get a UF graduate off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza!!!!

A guy walks into a bar and says, "Hey barkeep- did you ever hear the one about the Florida Gators?"
Four huge men stand up and approach the man. One of them says, "We play football at UF- you sure you wanna tell that joke?" The guy replies, "What? and have to explain it four times?"

What is the difference between a Gator and Rice Crispies?
Rice Crispies know what to do in a bowl.

Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco Chase?
On the UF campus, because that's the last place you'll find a football player.

What's the difference between a Gator and a dollar bill?
You only get three quarters out of a Gator.

After Steve Spurrier dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Steve a
little two-bedroom house with a faded UF banner hanging from the front porch.
"This is your house, coach. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says.
Steve looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill...
It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows.
FSU flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge FSU Seminole banner hangs between the
marble columns.
"Thanks for the house, God. But let me ask you a question.
I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner and Bobby Bowden gets a mansion with
new FSU Seminole banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"
God looks at him seriously for a moment. God says. "That's not Bobby's house, that's mine."